S-H-A-T-T-E-R
by Moon Prynces
Summary: "I guess this would be my purpose then. To be tormented by a boy with platinum blonde hair and aquamarine eyes." Dorothy's a bit off the mark but at least she's got the right person. 4xD


I'm bored and can't think of what to do with the five other fics I have. I've been reading too much Dorothy/Quatre fics and I wanna try to write my first one-shot! Yay! I hope it's good, I still have no clue how to start this but I keep reading fics, which get me to understand her character in so many different ways. It's been a really long time since I saw Gundam Wing so I don't remember a lot.

I'll try to write this in Dorothy's POV. I should most likely warn you, this is really long...and a lot of depressing thoughts. Why do I keep putting my own feelings into the characters?!

Summary–"I guess this would be my purpose then. To be tormented by a boy with platinum blonde hair and aquamarine eyes." Dorothy's a bit off the mark but at least she's got the right person. 4xD

**Disclaimer–I do not own Gundam Wing, which is copyright and belongs to its respective owner(s) and is only being used in a fan-made, fictional story.**

**xoxo**

**Title–S-H-A-T-T-E-R**

**By–Moon Prynces**

**xoxo**

Not again. Why is this happening?

I suddenly jolted up from the sleeping position on my vast bed. I was breathing heavily and sweat was dripping down my face...or were they tears? No. I don't cry. Dorothy Catalonia does not cry. Ever.

I finally calmed my frantic mind and decided that maybe I should get a drink to cool down before trying to settle in sleep again. I walked out of my room, down the hall, and then stairs to the kitchen.

It's been two years since the war ended. Peace seems to have settled over the earth and colonies for good and everyone from the war is trying to make the most of it. Relena is still as passionate about her views and ideals as ever, and showing the world that she isn't just another weak little girl. She is now a very valuable political figure. We've become good friends since it ended – the war, I mean.

The Preventers are still working hard to maintain 'fires' as they call them. Everyone's scattered back to their homes and jobs and trying to move on with life – even forget the war, with all the tragedy it brought.

The five Gundam pilots have, seemingly, vanished out of existence. But we all know that isn't completely true. They are probably trying to recover themselves from everything that had happened and all they had gone through. I heard from Relena that they do visit certain people and keep tabs on what's going on today. Well, she thought so anyway. They're probably in hiding from being bothered about the whole ordeal like Relena had been.

And me? I stayed in the Romefeller Foundation and supported Relena's ideas with whatever I could. Romefeller has changed quite a bit to show that we are no longer trying to pursue war. But still, some people just can't let go of the hatred they harbored for us.

That really isn't a good description of myself, is it? Here I am, staring at the mirror in the hallway, while on my way back from the kitchen and I still can't figure out what happened to me. I look the same, I act the same – cynical and jeering – but it feels like I've changed somehow.

_Where along the way did the great Dorothy Catalonia become so soft?_ was my angry thought as I threw the glass in my hand at the mirror and glared angrily at it as broken shards fell to the floor a few good feet away from myself.

I turned and hurriedly walked back to my room, eager for sleep to come. I didn't want to dwell on these thoughts again. As I tossed from one side to the other I found that sleep never comes when you want it most.

Where was I then? I have changed. I can feel it. I can see it while looking at my reflection, but how? My eyes are still sharp, my tongue quick to make a remark and my hair still as long as ever.

More importantly, why have I begun noticing these things now? What's so different now from the past two years to make me ponder my own changes?

I sat up in my bed and glanced around the large room. My eyes passed over the closet door, a bookshelf in the corner and then to a desk near it. I stopped and stared at the white envelope on top. The invitation.

Relena had sent it, of course. She said in the letter that she'd be having an extravagant ball to benefit with the media. I had called a few days ago to politely decline, seeing as those things give me headaches and I'd have to dress up all fancy to talk with people who will be whispering about me the moment I turn my back and look away.

But when I did call and tell her, she pleaded and begged for me to reconsider and now I'm stuck attending that thing with snobby people who have more money than brain cells. At least I won't miss a chance to give subtle insults to people who won't even notice.

The idea of looking for a good verbal sparring match seemed to settle well with me so I soon was able to get the sleep I wanted.

**xoxo**

When I awoke and had gone through the same boring routine, I passed by the kitchen to overhear a few maids gossiping. I paused behind the closed door to listen.

"–she's been waking up almost every night for the past week and going down to the kitchen for water with a troubled look on her face."

"I wonder what seems to be wrong with the young miss."

"Yes, and last night I even heard sounds of shattered glass. When I went to see what it was about there was broken glass on the floor when she had tending to her thirst. It seems as though she was angry and threw a glass of water at the mirror there."

"With the look she gives, it seems more about a certain someone more than anything else," the second one giggled.

"Do you think she is finally being courted in secret?" the first one asked excitedly.

How in the world can they deduce that my problems are all something romance related? I couldn't take it, added that I didn't want any rumors as such leaving these walls, so I cut their chat short by pushing the door open forcefully with one hand.

As it hit the wall the startled maids looked up in shock. "Does it _look_ like I'm in love?" I yelled.

**xoxo**

That day passed quickly and the only way I can remember it is when I think about the conversation they were having about me. I walked into my room to get something at around five thirty to find another maid setting down some clothes on my bed.

_What's going on?_ I wondered. I didn't ask for an outfit to be prepared today. I walked up to the girl and tapped her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, glaring.

The girl, obviously intimidated, stuttered. "W-well you had wanted me to put out the clothes and jewelry that you would be w-wearing f-for the party tonight," she stumbled and bowed her head quickly.

My eyes widened as I remembered the invitation. Forgetting completely about the girl I ran to my desk and searched under the business papers for the white envelope. When I did find it, I opened it to reread the contents a third time that week.

Shock written all over my face I saw that the date and time of the party was today – in an _hour_. I didn't know whether to snarl in anger or cry out in frustration...or maybe just call and say I was ill to get out of this mess. I settled for sighing in defeat.

I should go through with this for Relena's sake. It may take every ounce of my last energy to keep from throwing my glass at someone but I've already agreed and should show my respect by attending.

I turned back to the girl who was looking at me curiously.

"Get back to what you were doing," I snapped, making her jump and continue rushing around for my things. "Leave as soon as you're done," I said while walking into my bathroom and slamming the door shut.

I proceeded to take a steaming hot shower that took at least twenty minutes, though it did help me get refreshed and ready for this night. And boy, would I need it. I didn't know it at the time but tonight would start to bring about more change, maybe more than the war did.

**xoxo**

The party seemed to drag on forever and I had only arrived half an hour ago. I had met Relena at the door, where she had been welcoming all her guests herself. I walked around talking to other 'peacekeepers' and people from meetings that I had seen before.

My dress was once again black – when did I get into this habit? While another person droned on about their ideals and beliefs, which seem to be exactly the same for everyone in this room except myself I– Wait, then what are my ideals?

The wars have ended but it is our nature to fight each other so I'm sure this won't last forever, but then have I accepted it? It all seems so confusing now. The day I left Libra a lot of things have been confusing me. Strange how even though a while has passed I still can't figure any of this out.

I politely excused myself from the conversation and walked away. I looked around for some opening of escape or maybe even Relena so we could chat about something other than peace negotiations or fundraisers for another orphanage or other. But she already had her hands full.

I spotted a door leading somewhere out of the room and didn't think twice before striding over. It turned out to just be another balcony, although no one occupied it – which I was thankful for.

The balcony led out and around the right corner and side of the house so I could get away from the door and not be spotted so easily by anyone. I sighed and rested my elbows on the railing. I fidgeted; this dress was getting to me.

Libra. It all seems like some distant memory that I can't really grasp. I sometimes wake up and can't tell if it was a dream or really happened. That scares me. How can I so easily forget something that was a large part in my life and changed the world so drastically – changed people even?

For all the things I have and everything I do know, I can't figure what my purpose will be now. I'm not the person to go openly moping around about such things. I have to be strong-willed. It is the way that everyone sees me; that's how I get my respect from others.

I don't understand that either. Why must I stay the same for the sake of everyone else's closed minds? Others have changed – people's views, ideas, emotions. And yet they all expect me, and maybe even other people from the war, to be the same till the day we die?

Relena was seen as the confident and beautiful queen of the world, an amazing Vice Foreign Minister and that's all they see – all they _want_ to see. They don't know how she cries at night over someone or when she falls that she'll bleed too. Everyone wants her to be _perfect_.

Some people still think of me as the evil, manipulative bitch from the war. The one that was trying to help Milliardo Peacecraft destroy the earth. That's all they see, too. It doesn't matter how polite I am at these social gatherings or how close I am to Relena as friends, it won't change the way anyone thinks.

That _was_ all I was: a bitch with too much power. I had so much control. I had a task, always a goal to accomplish. But now...I'm left hanging by a rope. What would my purpose be now? To help Relena sustain the peace? To live out to my old age still waiting for the next war with a gun in hand? Or maybe to just give up and...

Am I even needed here? By anyone at all? Relena is a dear friend to me, even with our opposing views. She doesn't really need me, does she? I have been her confidante and vice versa but– Why am I thinking this way? Why would I, Dorothy Catalonia, want to end my own life? There I go again, thinking of how others see me. I can't keep up the charade of pretending that I'm not human. If I commit suicide then people might see that I was a real person – a living, breathing person – and not a demon. Or maybe they'd just say I was too weak and lost my mind because the peace was too suffocating for such a bloodthirsty war-mongrel.

I wonder if Relena thinks of any of this. She must be very lost. Her role is harder than mine. Everyday she walks out of her house, she has to wear the same fake smile and have a mouthful of pleasantries for everyone she sees.

I can see it though. How sad she really is. Sometimes I can even see what – or who – she thinks about. Maybe that's why we're such good friends. We can see or understand what each other are thinking.

Once she had invited me over to her house for tea, a month or so after the war. We sat in that room for at least four hours alone, not even talking. We had both stared solemnly at the coffee table. But I could feel it, her depression surrounding her like a cloak trying to strangle her. I didn't know but she probably had figured out my mood – regretful, confused. Finally I broke the silence by asking how she was and that's when she started crying. I didn't cry though, as we talked to each other and let our thoughts out. I didn't know yet that I didn't have to be the same Dorothy I always had been, from the war, from before.

She misses Heero Yuy. That Gundam Pilot. Truthfully I think she's too good for him. He just left her broken there for someone else to pick up the pieces. He never came back to finish their forgotten business and there was never any contact made between the two after all that happened.

Ah, the Gundam Pilots. I used to wonder where they all were at the moment – why hasn't anyone pinpointed their location, even vaguely. I wondered what they could be doing with their lives now that it's ended.

They were the soldiers after all. It seemed as though that was _their_ only purpose. Have they found another meaning to life and moved on from the war? Have they killed themselves and no one will ever know because they can't be found to put into the limelight? Will we ever know? Will we ever see them again?

Something struck at me. Quatre. I remember _him_. Of course who couldn't, seeing as I was the one to stab a sword through his side. Now that I look back at it, I see that I was scared of what he was saying to me. He believed that I was a kind person, maybe even kinder than he himself was. I felt cornered and did the only thing I could to get away from him and the annoying doubts and insecurities. One thing I just can't understand is that, even now, I still think I did the right thing...

I hate him. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did he plant these thoughts in my head? I had won that round with him but another part of me thinks it goes the other way. Maybe I had won and to spite me he purposely made me feel this way. Perhaps that was his plan all along, to get at my mind, to torture me to this day with his words.

"I guess this would be my purpose then. To be tormented by a boy with platinum blonde hair and aquamarine eyes," I sighed looking around at the floor and potted plants. "And to pay him back for it," I said glaring.

I could see the white light being cast down brightly as the sun's rays reflected off the moon. I glanced up to look at it and lifted my arms away from the railing to stare up.

"Such a beautiful night. Too much to be spent indoors, don't you think?" a voice from behind asked.

I froze, caught off guard. I was already showing another person the signs of the real Dorothy Catalonia – not good. He must have noticed.

"I didn't think Dorothy Catalonia would pass up the chance for open verbal abuse on poor, unknowing people. Why are you out here?" he asked me directly and not rhetorically.

"It _is_ my choice," I bit out. "The room was just getting a bit too stuffy," I responded, trying to calm down. I slowly turned to glance back at his face, just to know who I was speaking with.

What I saw made me turn sharply all the way and brace back against the railing. It was the emotionless face of another Gundam pilot – Trowa Barton. I really must be seeing things. After two years of never having contact or finding out anything from any Gundam pilot and all of a sudden one just pops up at this party to insult me?

I narrowed my eyes as he nonchalantly ignored me and looked up at the sky.

"And to what do I owe this pleasure?" I hissed, my games over for the night. How long had I been out here anyway?

He looked back at me and shrugged. "The security nowadays isn't that great." He motioned below to where some bodyguards were patrolling. "I was just tired of always having to attend these things, and I was a little too curious why were out here alone."

"Always attend? What are you talking about?" I said slowly. "Where are the others like yourself?"

"I do work part-time for the Preventers, it makes sense that they'd always want to protect Relena and the other important people here," he said, avoiding the question.

"You mean you almost always follow that girl around to parties and meetings to keep her safe?"

He nodded. "Heero would probably kill me on the spot if I refused. I had suggested that I help with the Preventers at first but now I'll have to accept at least one of these missions each month." Trowa was in contact with the Wing Zero pilot?

"I asked, where are the others?" I ground out.

He seemed to regard me carefully before talking. "Why do you care? The war is over. We are no longer enemies."

That's what you think, Trowa Barton. The day I left Libra I felt like I had to start all over. That boy pretended to be a scientist and took every piece of me apart, one by one. No one knows how long it took me to fix myself after that whole thing, and even now I don't tick properly. He's going to pay for what he did to me.

Instead of answering with what was on my mind, which was most likely going to make him leave, I came up with something else.

"Relena wants to know where he is," I started off. Of course he would know who I was talking about. "That girl has suffered enough. Why is he being a coward and hiding? Why are all of you hiding?" I folded my arms.

He looked to the left. "We aren't hiding. There is no reason for anyone to see us anymore. With peace here the soldiers had to either find lives or fall into the background, and that's just what we did," Barton answered.

"You didn't answer the question. Stop avoiding this! None of you can hide forever, I doubt that very much. You'll all have to come and show your faces sometime. Some people do want to see you all," I said angrily.

"Would you be implying something there?" he asked easily.

"No! This is for Relena's sake," I argued back.

"We've watched, you know. You two seem like sisters now. Heero may not say it but he probably wishes he could be right there next to her to protect her."

"He could, if his damn priorities were in order. He shouldn't go around like a lost puppy when he was the one to run away," I retorted.

Barton seemed to think this over for a while. "Then perhaps we should come out of our 'hiding' and face what comes next head on. Maybe we will," he nodded, still with the indifferent mask on. He made a move to spring and jump onto the roof but before moving a muscle he said something else. "Quatre is with us too but he doesn't come on missions like this."

As he twirled in the air and made to land softly I yelled something. "I don't care about him!" I shouted angrily.

Luckily, though my voice was heard as he left, no one from inside had seemed to notice. He must have heard what I said out loud. He can't know – no one can.

**xoxo**

Days passed after the encounter. I hadn't told anyone, especially not Relena. I didn't want to say something that would raise her hopes. Right now she would probably be at home, still wallowing in a pit of depression.

On this day, I decided to check up on her and see how she was doing. I think I understand now why she wanted me to come so badly to that party. She was giving him another opportunity to show himself and surprise them all. She was praying that he would crash the party (literally) and finally say something to her. She needed someone she trusted for support.

That girl just has to learn that hoping won't always get you somewhere. I shook my head. I...I don't hope. It was just never apart of me and didn't even exist in my world.

I got out of the limo and gave my driver instructions before nodding and walking up the steps to her place. I rang the doorbell two times before waiting to see a maid open the door and politely let me inside.

I told her I was here to see Miss Darlain. The maid shook her head and said that Miss Darlain didn't want to be disturbed by anyone, and that she was in her home office working. I gave a cold stare before stating that she should just inform the house's owner of my presence. The maid quickly scuttled away and so I went to the living room to sit down.

Relena's place was not as grand as many other people that she had meetings with, like mine. It was just a house that was a little larger than normal to me. Relena had a maid, cook and driver (she told me her mother had insisted on them).

The living room was what most people would consider 'normal'. There was nothing extravagant or expensive looking. It was the house of a normal seventeen-year-old girl. I leaned back on the sofa I sat on and crossed my legs.

No matter where we lived, we wouldn't be considered 'normal'. We had played such important parts in the war that it was impossible to walk down a street without being glanced at. Everyone put us in a certain part of their mind to identify us.

We could never just ignore our duties and be lazy like normal teenagers. Hell, I was running a company and Relena was keeping people from shooting each other. Was that normal?

Sometimes I almost wish I didn't do what I had back then. I wish I hadn't come in contact with any of these people, even Relena and the Gundam pilots. I could be a regular girl watching and laughing at the pitiful faces of people who had all these responsibilities while I was in a high school and had friends to hang out with and tests to study for.

Maybe if I hadn't chosen this path then I wouldn't be this person. I would have many close friends and be able to show my personality. I wouldn't have to worry. I could be–

"Dorothy?" a surprised voice shocked me out of my thoughts. I looked up at the stairs to see Relena with disheveled hair, red eyes and still in her bathrobe.

I 'tsked' and shook my head. "Relena, how can you come to greet guests looking like that? I thought one of the things you should've remembered was to always look presentable," I mocked, smiling.

I could see as she tried to crack a smile and walked further down the stairs. "Well it really doesn't matter seeing as it's only you," she joked and then received a pillow in the face from me.

"How dare you disrespect me so!" I said folding my arms, still mocking, and closed my eyes looking high and mighty. I peaked open an eye to see a pillow coming my way. It sent me tumbled out of my seat and on the floor (luckily I had chosen to wear jeans today). "Hey, that's not fair! I didn't see it coming!" I pouted sitting up.

Relena laughed and plopped down on my original seat. "Well you should have kept an eye open," she said pulling down the skin under her left eye a little and sticking out her tongue.

Then I turned serious after we stopped laughing. "Relena, are you sure you're okay?" I asked standing up and sitting next to her.

"Of course," she smiled slightly. I gave her a critical look. "Well I may have been feeling a little under the weather earlier but I'm perfectly fine now. Everything's fine." I saw the moment she faltered a bit.

I sighed. "What's the point of lying? I know the truth anyway," I said grumpily and put my chin in my hand, while my elbow rested on my leg.

"Please just don't say it." I couldn't look at her; it was too hard to even glance. Because I knew she would start crying.

Instead, to lighten the mood, I grabbed the remote off the coffee table and flipped through channels before stopping at the news. We both pretended to focus on it. I saw the woman in her thirties or so stand in front of sight of which she was reporting on. She motioned around here and there and kept on blabbering.

I glanced around the television screen to decide if I wanted to change the channel. At the top left I saw someone jumping around and waving like a maniac. Stupid people always want to get on the TV. I shook my head. Why would you want to broadcast yourself through to the country or world or whatever looking like a complete moron?

I saw Relena blink before I changed the channel.

"Go back a sec, Dorothy," she said with a blank look.

I turned to look at her and removed my chin to straighten up. "Why? What's so interesting?"

Before I could blink she had grabbed the remote control and put the channel back herself. I grumbled about something and then heard a sharp intake of breath.

"What's wrong? Relena?" I saw her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. Then she pointed a shaky finger at the screen.

I peered closer at the box in front of us. The picture was now zoomed in at the lunatic who was doing a jig with the camera recording him and not the woman reporting the news. Then the guy suddenly stopped his insane dance to look up, smile and wave at the camera. We watched in shock as he was jerked out of view to the left side.

The camera followed his movements though – obviously the cameraman found this more entertaining than people almost getting hurt, I sure did. A semi-angry girl with short black hair was dragging along the guy. She was mouthing words that were probably death threats and glaring straight ahead while pulling the guy by his ear. At one point the guy whined loud enough for the camera's mic to catch.

"Aww c'mon! I've always wanted to do that! I wonder how many people saw us. It's not like I did any harm!" he complained.

They walked out of view and the camera was pulled back to its first position and listening to the boring woman. Relena and I looked at each other.

"Was that really...?" I let my question fall.

"Duo Maxwell," she said slowly.

I slowly leaned back in my seat and stared up at the ceiling. _Something's up_, I thought, narrowing my eyes. Out of the blue another one of those pilots decides to show his face – and by acting like an idiot on a news report that's being broadcast to the colonies and earth?

"Dorothy, you did see that too right?" I turned to Relena who was half smiling, half confused. "I think I just saw a ghost on..."

"No, unfortunately I saw it too," I answered shaking my head. This couldn't have been a cause of what happened the other night...

Relena got up and turned off the television. "It couldn't have been him," she shook her head.

"Something tells me you don't even believe what you're saying. Do you have any proof that it really was him?" I asked suspiciously.

She hesitated. "Hilde was there too."

"Who's that?"

"She was the one to escape from Libra with information about it for the Gundam pilots. Duo cared about her a lot, especially when she was injured because of it."

I nodded remembering back to that incident. "Forget this. I didn't come here to become delusional and reminisce about the past," I shook my head, again.

**xoxo**

An hour had passed, in which both of us were careful not to mention anything about what we think we saw. We ate lunch, watched some more TV, and talked about things that would count as 'normal' – like clothes and music. And now we were both sitting in front of the TV in the living room and battling it out.

"That's not fair! I don't even know how to do this!" I protested straightening up with my legs crossed Indian style.

"It's not my fault. You picked this one," Relena stated calmly, but I could practically feel her smirk.

I groaned, "How in the world did you get hooked on this?"

Now she looked thoughtful. "Well, I remember going to some orphanage and the kids there wanted some kind of videogames. I was completely confused and said, sure I'll get them for you guys. When I did it for them they made me play and I ended up learning all about 'em. But it was just supposed to be for some publicity thing or charity or something."

"You play videogames? Well, we learn something new everyday now don't we?" I sighed and stood up to stretch.

I wonder, is this the real me? When I'm around Relena it seems to show, and for her too. Is this the person who was fighting to reach the surface? Could this have been me during the war if I did let it through?

"Relena, I just remembered I had something to do in the city," I said suddenly. It wasn't that I didn't want to 'hang out' but I wanted some time to think.

She gave me a quizzical look before slowly nodding. "Alright, you'll be coming back right?"

"Yes, I'll be going on foot though so it might take a while," I continued as we walked to the door and I took my jacket off the rack.

"Are you sure?" Relena seemed concerned. "Well then maybe you should just sleep over tonight once you get back." She sounded eager or anxious. She had something to tell.

I nodded. "Okay, I'll see you in a few hours."

I walked for what really did seem like hours and when I stopped to look back I was just past the front gates. I stuffed my hands in my pockets walking down the busy street and was surprised to find no one noticed me, at all.

No one seemed to recognize the girl who was hated by almost all of earth just two years ago. Or was that another girl and not me? But then again maybe it was the ensemble I had on – a pair of jeans, tank top and denim jacket. I guess they'd never really seen people like myself in anything other than those long skirts and formal attire.

Why? Why does this all seem so different now? Why now? I still can't shake the feeling of some kind of change. It feels like... I'm not sure – as if I just suddenly woke up one morning and the whole world and space, everyone and everything were all different.

I shook my head. I'm becoming more and more weak it seems. That won't help me when I–

When I what? Get revenge for what that blonde boy did to me? Kill him to stop my torture?

How can I even begin to look for him? How could I make something like that look less obvious? ...How will I react when I see him again? Will I cower in fear pointing a shaking finger at him? Or will I stand there with a smirk on face and rapier in hand?

Through my thoughts I barely noticed when my shoulder roughly hit someone, making us both stumble back a little. I barely caught the grin the guy wore.

I eventually made my way to a less busy part of the city and took a seat on a bench nearby. I pushed my head back and stared up at the sky.

It's only been two years. I can't be in bad shape after such a short time. My skills in dueling couldn't have decreased so much. But I haven't even held a weapon for those two years. Do I even have the courage left to do that again?

I've settled, almost comfortably, in this life. One wrong move and it's all out the window. If I pick up a gun, will it change everything back to the way it was before? Will I turn back into that person again?

I remembered I used to enjoy those days. If I still enjoy that then does it mean I really didn't change at all? Am I still that insane, evil little bitch? ...Maybe I am. Perhaps two years isn't sufficient time to have converted my ways so drastically.

I sighed. Maybe I never really wanted to change in the first place. I could have just been fooling everyone around me – even myself. I closed my eyes and slowly took a long, deep breath.

I was lucky. For the most part since the war ended there was always work to be done and never a minute to rest. I didn't have to think about any of these things. I could push them all into the back of my mind, always with the promise of 'later' or 'tomorrow'. But now things are getting slow again and everything starts to catch up with me. I guess I had been running away from thinking about it.

I tilted my head back in place and opened my eyes to look around at the few people passing by. It was then that I noticed the bench I was on had another occupant.

A guy was sitting there reading a newspaper in front of his face so I couldn't even see him. I turned back to stare straight ahead and then turned to look at my hands in my lap.

It feels like I've aged. Have I grown old and wrinkled yet? It must be all the thinking I do nowadays. No normal person would put so much thought into every little thing. Ah yes, but I'm not exactly normal now am I?

Maybe I do think too much for my own good. I should...I should just relax. There really isn't much to worry about...

**xoxo**

I blinked my eyes open a few times. Confusion was clear on my face. I lifted my head from where it was resting. I saw I was still in the city, on the same bench and... I had fallen asleep!

While I mentally scolded myself, I failed to notice the person next to me begin to smile. When I did catch it I scowled, trying my best to not look him in the face. Then I realized what had happened.

I had taken a nap here and used his shoulder as a pillow! Oh god, how long was I here? Why didn't this guy wake me up or at least push me off? I would have felt a whole lot more comfortable tumbling to the ground! Oh shoot, was I taking a nap on some pervert?

I mentally prepared myself for a battle against this member of the opposite sex and then turned my head sharply to be met with quite an unexpected sight. I couldn't help the look that played over my face and my mouth gaping openly.

And there he was, grinning down at me. He looked almost the same, maybe his hair grew a little longer to hang over his eyes. He was now seemingly taller than me by more than a few inches. And his aquamarine eyes were also a big change – they weren't pleading like I remember; they weren't sad at all.

I snapped my mouth shut and glared at him before turning my head away. My glare was still in place and my lips were a thin line.

Through all my musings I never did think about what _his_ reaction would be. I guess I automatically assumed I would be strong and persistent and he would still be a naïve little boy who would always be soft and gentle. It sure doesn't seem that way now, does it?

What do I do now? I just showed him a weak part of me and he's already won a round while I was asleep! I can't just get up and leave or he'll know I'm running away. I can do this! It doesn't always have to be on my territory.

"Why, hello, Mr. Winner," I said lowly through clenched teeth.

It felt like his grin was getting bigger and taking away my space. He turned his face to look forward like me and we looked like two typical strangers just chatting about the weather. How sickening.

"Miss Catalonia, it's been so long. How have you been?" he asked politely.

I almost scowled but forced myself to continue. "I'm fine. And you, Mr. Winner? Is your vacation over yet?" I mocked. That's right, while he and the four others ran away from what was to come of them, we had to face things head on.

The Winner heir looked confused a moment but still put on another smile. "I'm sorry? What do mean?"

I crossed my arms. "Don't be stupid, boy. You know what I'm getting at so stop delaying. The entire earth and colonies have been wondering where have the five Gundam pilots disappeared off to. And now you decide to show up for the sake of being a pillow?" I hissed.

"Oh, that." His brows creased. "This shouldn't be news to you. Trowa told me he talked to you a few days ago. At most I thought you were expecting all of us to show up on your doorstep. It is what you wanted, right?" This can't be happening – was he sneering?

"I said no such thing," I quickly responded. "I said that Relena was falling apart and Heero should know what the hell he's doing to her."

He looked up in thought. "Well, then there's the other reason why I'm here."

I glanced at him surprised. "Reason? There was a purpose to you stalking me?" I shuddered at the thought.

"I was supposed to distract and keep you occupied while..." He trailed off, eyes lingering to the side and not wanting to give anything away.

Too late though. "...Relena? He's with her right now, isn't he?" I demanded, glaring. "What will the perfect soldier do now? Fix it? Is this just going to be another mission for him – for all of you?" My eyes glared again as I spoke.

More unexpected things happened. First, he...he..._grinned_ at me again. Then he asked an awkward question. I didn't know the sweet, little Quatre had grown up this much.

"Why do you seem to_ care _whether we're in your line of sight or not?"

I was taken aback but ready with a response. "I don't," I stated firmly. "After all, you were the ones to run away." I saw him wince and finally smirked for the first time in...a while.

"We didn't run from anything. It was just...more like what you said before – a vacation and healing from the wounds we'd received. I guess wars take away some of your rational thought. I can see now it wasn't a well thought-out plan." His voice was still soft but it sounded stronger than I'd realized.

_He's changed_, I thought, my eyes widening slightly.

My voice didn't fail me though. "I doubt recuperating would last so long Mr. Winner," I said shaking my head mockingly. "If so, then how have you been getting along? How is your scar?" I asked tracing down the side of his stomach with my pointer finger.

He smiled and grabbed my hand to stop its movement, surprising me. "I've been fine, but maybe I'd been a little too confined so forgive me if I don't remember my manners." He let go.

I looked away again and shook my head. He really is much different. "I didn't know you had so many personality quirks," I murmured.

"I guess that's what happens from being around Duo, Heero, Trowa and Wufei so long," he laughed.

I looked up at him, and blinked, my head slightly tilted and face blank.

I don't understand. I hate him, don't I? Where did all my plans of revenge go? Why can't I even remember why I wanted to hurt him so badly? I can't remember any of it!

Is that what I really wanted? It seems as though being around him used to bring out my worst – and now? Throughout this conversation I can feel myself going back. I'm reverting back to what I was before – during the war. That hateful person, all over again.

And still, I haven't had one thought against him until just now. Am I forcing myself to do this? Am I forcing myself to scorn him for pride or dignity or...

"It's funny. I was supposed to keep you away from Relena for the day but you practically read my mind and took it upon yourself to leave. I really didn't have to come here in the first place," Quatre laughed again.

Quatre? When have I ever called him by his first name? Was I pushing myself to stay away from him? Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he show that he remembers? I hurt him, didn't I? Why isn't he the one out for revenge and angry at me? Did I affect him at all? If only he'd show some sign, I'd be able to fight back, but– No, it's too late already.

I...I've lost. It felt like something just jerked me away from whatever path I was following and pushed me into an intersection. There never was really a battle to begin with.

"Dorothy?" Quatre questioned cautiously. My head turned away from him, I was once again staring at the road in front of me, and my face was still blank. "Are you okay?"

If I can't do anything to him then why was he bothering me so much? Was I lying to myself then too? It...it really wasn't him that was on my mind then... I just...I wanted a purpose. I had one, until I realized it was just a lie. I had a goal.

It felt like something inside me shattered. It must have been my sanity. A tidal wave of tears were streaming down my face. I really still am that lost little girl that he was talking about. I still haven't found myself.

Quatre stared down at me. I could feel his eyes boring holes in me. He's torturing me right now. He didn't say anything or move at all. His silence was what bothered me most.

"It all fell apart," I breathed, barely trying to stop the flow of water on my face. "I just don't belong here, why did I bother trying?" I realized.

I was just fighting to belong somewhere, to have to a place but I don't. Relena has a place, she has people that need her, she has Heero. I don't even have anyone to keep me to this world. The war and battles are over. I'm not needed. They were probably the only things that kept me striving.

"I really am pathetic," I spat out, my face desperate.

His silence was unnerving. Why wouldn't he do anything? I just showed him that I'm a loser who doesn't belong here and yet he hasn't said anything. He must be disgusted with me – his view of me must've been lowered greatly. Then why is he still here? To taunt me?

"Why are you still here, Quatre?" I voiced my thoughts. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his head snap to face me. It must have been surprising for me to actually say his name and for my voice to sound so resigned.

"I'm here because I'm concerned for a friend of mine," Quatre worded carefully.

I laughed bitterly. "I'm sure your _friend_ doesn't always need you to hold their hand."

A glare was set on his face. "This friend doesn't know– She doesn't even know when she needs help. If she would just ask, then maybe I could help her. But until then I'll just have to stay with her as long as I can, to wait for it."

I turned to glare at him as well. My face was tear-stained and probably paler than normal. "I don't need your help. At most it would be better if you would just take your leave. We are not friends."

He ignored me and pressed further. "Why did you say you don't belong here?" It sounded more like curiosity than concern – good. "Dorothy," he added.

I tried to glare, hoping his head would light with fire. "That isn't any of your business," I snapped. "Your mission is over, Winner. You can leave now. I won't bother going back to Relena's anyway. It'll give them all the time in the world to catch up," I said sarcastically and stood up quickly.

Quatre followed my example like I thought he would. "I know something's wrong. And I won't force you but I'm asking you as a worried friend, what's wrong?" His voice was firm, not soft and childish.

"I said leave me alone, Winner," I ground out, looking at him before I felt him shove something into my hands. I looked down to see a handkerchief in them and his hands still holding it on top.

"Here. You owe me for this," he grinned, trying to lighten the mood. "Don't think that you're the only one who's lost. It's why we all stayed away for so long. We didn't know how to move on. We didn't know what there was left for us to live for."

I stared at him. My mind wasn't even working, which I was glad for. I was just absorbing what he was telling me. A part of me wondered why he would be telling me this, why does he want to help me so badly?

"Some of us still haven't found it. I know I'm still looking for something to bind me here," he went on, his hands still on mine with the cloth in-between.

"Why?" I barely said hoarsely. My eyes looked away when he gave me a confused look. "Why do you want to stay here?"

His grin came back. "I know that there's something waiting for me and it'll be worth all the trouble and time I spent looking for it. I won't let it pass me by and I can't lose hope. It might not be tomorrow or the next day or even the next year but I'll figure out what I'm looking for somewhere down the road. I just hope whatever it is will still be there."

I felt so ignorant. I felt like a child who was being taught a huge lesson that I'd never seen before. A life lesson, I guess. He...was teaching me.

I shook my head. "There is nothing that will keep me here. I just don't belong," I said softly, almost wincing at my own words. Did I really want to give up my life?

"Then take this." He pushed his hands further to me with the white cloth. "As long as you have it, you're indebted to me. You'll have to stay until you can pay back what I've done for you. I've given you a purpose then," Quatre smiled at me.

I felt as he let go and I clenched it in my hand tighter. "Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"

He pulled back, away from me, and I realized we had been standing very close. "You never know, maybe your purpose is a part of someone else's. You wouldn't want to leave someone behind and cause them the same pain that you felt, would you?"

"Why should I care? My life has no meaning, maybe you're wrong and I should just..." My mind had started functioning again. A part of me said I should listen to him, it sounded so logical and...soothing. Then another part tortured me and said that no one would ever want a person like myself.

The conflict must have been clear on my face. "Don't do this to yourself, Dorothy," I heard him whisper. "You are a good person. You do belong here. Someone does want and _need_ you."

He's done it again. Why does he praise me? I remember...his words that were burned into my skull from Libra... He said that I was kind, I was lost, he wanted to save me. I was scared because... I was scared because someone saw something that even I didn't. And he cared enough to want to help. But I ran away from his open arms, I stabbed him with a sword.

And yet he still wants to help me. I wanted to get revenge on him because...I thought I wasn't worthy of it. I didn't want someone to care for me; no one had ever done such a thing since that day in space. I didn't want those strange emotions that I didn't understand.

I understand now. I wanted revenge_ because _he cared. I was afraid of someone caring for me and making me feel that way – so unsure and his words would bounce around in my head all day. I thought that if I hurt him then maybe he'd stop and leave me. Then I would, I _could_ go back to the way I had been.

I have changed. It's not just him anymore. I'm a different person as well. I...I'm glad.

It's more than this possession of his that makes me want to stay alive. If he cares for me, then I do belong. I guess maybe both our lives are intertwined; my purpose is a part of his and his is a part of mine.

Someone actually wants me here. I couldn't describe how I felt. I wanted to cry more and that's what I did. I slowly slid to the floor with my head bowed and cried.

"It's alright, Dorothy," Quatre whispered. He had bent down with me and enclosed his arms around my shaking form. His head rested near my shoulder and my face was buried in his shoulder.

People walked on by and I could hear them whispering. I heard their tapping footsteps as some stopped a little near to most likely stare at the sight. Then they would say something and continue walking.

"Dorothy? Dorothy? Are you okay?" I heard him ask as I moved away to look up with blurry eyes.

"It's too confusing, but...I think I understand." My voice was shaky. "I'm just..." I winced. "...afraid of what I'll have to feel. I don't know these emotions, Quatre," I tried to explain.

"Don't worry, I'll be here to help you," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "That is if you want any help." That grin came back. I...I think I like his grin.

**xo end xo**

I think it sucked. Why do I suck at this? Why can't I, for once, not dislike my own work? I swear, if this had been anybody else who wrote it I would be applauding and jumping up and down but I never give myself enough credit!

I'm so low on self-esteem...

Er, I hope you liked, cuz I really don't want to have wasted your time by you reading this. I bet everyone's gonna say they're all so out of character but...that's just the way I write! I dunno...whatever...

The good thing is that now that I'm done with this I can continue with Different Colors and I'm still only half way done with it!

Ciao.

**[EDIT: 2-16-13]**

**I've decided to reread and edit this story (along with almost everything I have posted at this moment. This is one of the stories that was hard to read because it was written so long ago and it feels so subpar and not good enough that it made me cringe. However, I only made minor changes with punctuation and a few sentences because this showcases my past writing experience and it's a good comparison to the present. If it wasn't already up on the site then I might have edited the crap outta it until it was up to my (current) standards.**


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